お正月も5日が過ぎ、年末から2日まで家族旅行を堪能していたこともあり、
何となく気持ちが沈んでいたここ数日。
何だかなぁと思いながら、頭の中ではまた自己否定感が始まる。
何してるん、何したいん？
生きている意味ある？何もしない自分なんて。
昼間、1人でいるとどうしても、こんな言葉が聞こえてきて、何もやる気になれなかったりして動けなくなる。
これが病気と言えば病気なんだろうけれど、ちょっとしたことで気持ちって変わるんだよね。
たまたま、友だちから相談のメールをもらって、それに対応していたら、何となくやる気が出てきて、
本当は作る気もなかった夕ご飯も作ってみたり。
一瞬、自分を見失うのだけれど、考えてみたら、何かいいことがあった後っていつもこんな感じで、
幸せ満喫しすぎて、もうこれ以上はいいやって思ってしまうから、自分がどうしたいのかがわからなくなるんだと思う。
義務的にやらなきゃいけないことなんてないはずなのに、予定がなくても朝起きたら「何かしなきゃ」ってなったり。
そして、今日も、朝は何となく落ち着かず、気晴らしに某ショッピングモールで行われてた某お笑い芸人さんのイベント見てきたりしたけれど、帰ってからは何にもする気がなくてお昼寝をして。
どうしてもモヤモヤしていたから友だちに相談してみようと思ってメールしたら、真剣に相談に乗ってくれて、やっと気持ちも穏やかに。
言うても、お正月が明けてまだ５日。
今年はまだあと360日あるわけで。
最初からフルスロットルでいったらもちませんから。
否定的な自分も、暗めの自分も、その時その時の自分をちゃんと受け止めてあげないといけないなと思いました。
そして今日も、この記事を読んでくださったみなさんに感謝します。
ありがとうございます💕
ちなみに、今回の写真は、元旦と2日の朝の光景。
以下、英文。（The following is in English）
･*:.｡ ｡.:*･ﾟ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ･*:.｡ ｡.:*･ﾟ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ ✽.｡.:*・ﾟ･*:.｡ ｡.:*･ﾟ
Don't think too deeply about it... just live the way you want to live... but... live the way you want to live...? It's okay if you don't know right now
Five days have passed since the New Year, and I enjoyed a family trip from the end of the year to the 2nd, so I've been feeling a bit down these past few days.
I'm feeling a bit down, and my mind starts to feel self-deprecating again.
What am I doing, what do I want to do?
Is there any point in living? I can't do anything.
When I'm alone during the day, I can't help but hear these words, and I lose motivation to do anything and can't move.
I guess this is an illness, but even the smallest things can change your mood.
By chance, I received an email from a friend asking for advice, and when I responded to it, I somehow felt motivated,
and I even made dinner, even though I didn't really want to.
For a moment, I lost sight of myself, but when I think about it, it's always like this after something good happens,
I'm so happy that I think I don't want to do any more, and I lose track of what I want to do.
There's nothing that I feel obligated to do, but even if I don't have anything planned, when I wake up in the morning I feel like I have to do something.
And today, too, I felt unsettled in the morning, so I went to a certain comedian's event at a certain shopping mall to cheer myself up, but when I got home I didn't feel like doing anything so I took a nap.
I was feeling really unsettled so I emailed a friend to talk to them about it, and they listened to me seriously, and finally I felt calmer.
Having said that, it's only five days since the New Year.
There are still 360 days left in this year.
I wouldn't be able to keep going if I went full throttle from the start.
I realized that I need to accept my negative and gloomy self as I am at each moment.
And today, I'm grateful to everyone who read this article.
Thank you 💕
By the way, the photos this time are from New Year's Day and the morning of the 2nd.
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